June is Pride month and over the last 6 months, we have been developing our LGBTQIA+ offer at Perth Autism Support, offering young people who are exploring their gender and/or identity through our Rainbow Social Group – a safe space, supported by members of our staff team who are part of the LGBTQIA+ community.
We are delighted to share one of our staff’s story’s about coming out, a real life experience to help young people who may be worried about speaking about how they are feeling with family/friends and some top tips for allies!
I’m not going to make this all about me, because that’s not the point of this. But sharing my experiences may help better prepare you for this step in your life. You may decide to not come out and that’s fine. It’s completely up to you if you decide to do that or not.
It’s normal to feel worried, anxious, or fearful. You are allowed to feel those feelings. You don’t have to carry shame, or blame. You have done nothing or said anything wrong. You are not wrong. You’ll become part of a wonderful community, and we cannot wait to meet, and accept you!
Coming out means letting people in. It shouldn’t be seen as revelling a dark secret about yourself, rather as an act of love – you are sharing this part of you with someone that makes them special and privileged, and means that you can be your true, honest, and wonderful self around them in the most authentic way.
You never stop coming out. Unfortunately, Coming Out is not a one and done thing. You may have to repeatedly explain or correct. Coming Out never goes away, but it can get easier.
Remember; You do not have to or need to come out. You are a priority in your coming out story.
My experiences of coming out has been both positive and negative.
Unfortunately, I have to say that my negative experience in coming out was at the hands of my own mother. Family can be very tricky. Thankfully, my Dad was the absolute opposite.
Some people, like my mother, like to make it about themselves. That’s not what to do – Allies take note! Others’ ask questions, which can be okay – depends on the question. Only answer questions and clarifications you feel comfortable with. Remember, you are the priority in your story.
Allies, listen up! Here’s a small (not complete) list what not to say in general when a friend, family member or colleague comes out to you;
- First, believe them! Don’t ask questions like, “But how do you know?”, “Have you ever. . . with the same sex/gender?”, etc Instead of questioning how they know, swap it for a thank you for telling me.
- Don’t ask them if they fancy you. As a heterosexual person you do not fancy everyone of the opposite sex, just as they as a gay person do not fancy every one of the same sex. Swap it for reassurance. Let them know you are still friends. Let them know it does not change how you think or feel about them.
- Don’t say, “I don’t care!”. Although it sounds well meaning it can come across as dismissive, and embarrassing. Swap it out for, “If you’re happy, I’m happy – that’s all I care about!”
The most important person in this process is YOU! Keeping yourself safe when coming out is very important. Here are some ways to keep yourself safe;
- Go at your pace. Take time. Don’t feel like you need to know everything.
- Boundaries – set boundaries and stick to them. Don’t feel pressured to answer questions you are not comfortable with.
- Reach out to Shout. You are never alone. Someone will listen.
Things are not always going to go well when you come out. Here is a technique you can use to help calm yourself down after a negative experience. I hope you never have one, but sadly that’s not going to be the case, so keep calm, and breathe.
Box Breathing – breathe in slowly for four (4) seconds, hold it for four (4) seconds, and then slowly breathe out for four (4) seconds. Some people find it helps to visualise a square or box as each part represents a side of the square.
SHOUT
If you’re struggling to cope, Shout is only a text message away. Anyone in the UK can text “SHOUT” to 82558, at any time, anonymously, confidentially and for free, for support with any mental health concerns including; anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, loneliness, relationships, sexuality, racism, bullying and body image.
Text “SHOUT” to 82528. Or visit giveusashout.org
